Intentional Christian Dating: How to Define the Relationship

By Pastor Mega Philip Mega, author of Dating on Purpose.

Many young Christians have grown up hearing one of two things about dating. Some were told to avoid it altogether and wait for a courtship supervised by parents. Others were given no framework at all, and simply drifted from “talking” to something more, with nobody ever saying what was actually happening. Both approaches leave people wounded and confused. There is a third way: dating with a purpose you could say out loud.

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Two errors, one better way

Decades ago a popular book convinced a generation to give up dating entirely. It meant well, and it named something true: casual, purposeless romance was leaving people hurt. But the cure hardened into rules. No time alone, no affection before engagement, sometimes no relationship at all without a formal process. For many people, freedom in Christ turned into a checklist, and the checklist became its own kind of bondage. If you grew up in that world, you may have inherited fear more than wisdom, a vague sense that wanting a relationship is itself suspect.

If you grew up outside that world, you probably inherited the opposite problem: an undefined drift, two people functioning as a couple for a year while carefully avoiding the words that would make it real.

“You were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”
Galatians 5:13 (ESV)

Freedom and structure are not opposites. Paul’s readers were free from the law’s rulebook and, at the same time, called to a life of real, costly love. That is the space intentional dating tries to stand in.

What “intentional” actually means

Intentional does not mean rigid. It means dating with a purpose you could actually say out loud: I am getting to know this person to discern, honestly and unhurriedly, whether we might build a life together. It is not about enjoying the feeling of being chosen, keeping your options open indefinitely, or pairing off because everyone around you is.

It also means the relationship has real boundaries, physical, emotional and otherwise, chosen deliberately rather than inherited from either fear or drift. And eventually it means naming what is happening out loud, instead of letting ambiguity do the work an honest conversation should.

The cost of the “talking stage”

Picture three months of daily texting, weekend hangouts, meeting each other’s friends, and a growing sense of exclusivity that neither of you has named. If someone asked either of you, “So are you two together?”, you would both hesitate. That hesitation is the talking stage, and it can be one of the most quietly corrosive places two people live.

Ambiguity feels safe because it protects both people from rejection. But the safety is an illusion. While the relationship stays undefined, real intimacy is often being built anyway: emotional exclusivity, physical closeness, the language of “we.” One person usually experiences the relationship as more serious than the other, and the undefined space lets that mismatch go unexamined for months, sometimes years, until someone is hurt by an ending that was never really a beginning.

“But all things should be done decently and in order.”
1 Corinthians 14:40 (ESV)

Paul wrote that about worship, but the principle travels well. God is not a God of confusion, and relationships that matter deserve the same clarity we would expect anywhere else important.

How to have the “what are we?” conversation

Many people avoid the conversation because it feels like it might kill the mood, force a premature label, or invite rejection at a vulnerable moment. In practice the opposite tends to be true. A clear, low-pressure conversation early replaces months of guessing with information both people can act on. You might say something like:

“I’d like to date you intentionally, with the goal of seeing if we’re right for each other.”
“I’m not proposing. I just want us to say out loud what we’re doing.”
“Where do you think this is going?” (and make it safe for the other person to answer honestly).

It is not a proposal. It is simply naming reality. After that, build in periodic check-ins rather than assuming the direction is settled forever, and let both people ask “where is this going?” without it being treated as pressure or a crisis. Clarity, revisited honestly over time, is not the opposite of romance. It is what makes trust possible.

Questions to ask yourself

Which error shaped you more: legalistic rules, or an undefined drift with no real structure?
What could you say about your current relationship that you have been avoiding saying out loud?
What has stopped you, in the past, from naming a relationship’s direction?

Frequently asked questions

Is dating biblical?

Scripture does not give a dating manual, because dating as we know it is a modern custom. It does give principles that apply to any courtship: honesty, purity, wise counsel and love that serves the other person. Intentional dating is an attempt to apply those principles.

How long should the talking stage last?

There is no fixed number, but if you have been in daily contact and exclusivity for weeks with no honest conversation about what you are doing, it is probably time to have one.

Does being intentional mean we must be heading to marriage?

It means marriage is a possible direction, not a guarantee. The aim is to discern honestly, which includes being willing to discover that this is not the right person.

This article is drawn from the first two chapters of Dating on Purpose: Courtship, Boundaries, and Discerning God’s Will Before Marriage. You can also read more about the author.